


A Christmas present for Pickle

by ValkyrieSigyn



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Christmas Presents, F/M, Gen, IKEA, Implied Relationships, Implied Sexual Content, rude language
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-29
Updated: 2013-12-29
Packaged: 2018-01-06 13:10:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,162
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1107245
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ValkyrieSigyn/pseuds/ValkyrieSigyn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bofur has been really stressed in the time before Christmas, and relied on Thorin helping him with fixing a gift for a very special friend. Then the day before Christmas Eve comes, and Bofur finds that Thorin has been busy with other things, and they have to come with a quick solution. So Thorin brings with the entire company on a quest to IKEA to find a present.<br/>Warning: CRACK. IKEA TERROR.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Christmas present for Pickle

”THORIN! Thorin WHERE ARE YOU?!” Bofur shouted up the staircase after running around and looking for Thorin everywhere. He was not in the kitchen, not in the living room – there he found only Fili and Kili playing GTA V and trying to make a road kill of a cougar in the middle of a mountainside – neither did he find Thorin in the home office, computer room, the music room or in the cellar. He needed Thorin now! How were they going to surprise Pickle for Christmas now as they had stressed too much with getting everything and everyone to the Erebor Mansion?!

“What?!” he heard a familiar voice grumble from upstairs and Bofur ran up the stairs and to Thorin’s bedroom.

What he found, was Thorin still in bed (even though it was 15 o’clock already), lying on his belly with his groggy face half buried in the pillow, his pony tail out of control and wearing his boxer and one sock. “Woah, I see you had some party after the concert yesterday…” Bofur lifted his eyebrows at the sight.

“What do you want…” Thorin mumbled and rubbed the sleep out of his eyes.

“Pickle’s Christmas present… You didn’t fix it yesterday, did you?” Bofur sighed and rubbed the bridge of his nose.

Thorin’s eyes were suddenly wide open. “What day is it today?”

“23rd December, actually.” Bofur facepalmed – they had screwed everything right now.

“DAMN!” Thorin shouted and jumped out of bed, grabbing a pair of jeans and a t-shirt and rushed down the stairs – and stumbled in something that screamed, and then he made a good pile of chaos by the end of the staircase.

Bofur poked his head out of the door, seeing the cat running away like crazy. “You happened to step on Mittens again, did you?”

“Shut up!” Thorin cursed and got up, revealing he was still running around with one sock.

“What if you put on your t-shirt BEFORE running down the stairs?” Bofur asked as he ran down the mentioned stair.

“What if you shut up and help me fix something for her?” Thorin hissed and rushed into the kitchen.

“Well, you said you would help me fix something because I was busy finding a Christmas tree with Dwalin and to help Bombur finding some turkeys big and juicy enough for everyone!” Bofur put his hands to his hips.

“I know, I know…!” Thorin buried his face in his hands. “I don’t know what happened…”

“I can guess – you and Dwainn used the chance now as you were home alone, and suddenly you were late for the concert.” Bofur rolled his eyes. “Start thinking with your top head, please!”

“Yes YES Bofur!” Thorin buried his hands in his hair and looked like he asked whatever mighty power out there to give him ideas. And he was heard. “Bofur!”

“Yes?” Bofur rolled his eyes.

“Get Fili and Kili. And Balin. If Dwalin’s alive, get him as well!” Thorin said, suddenly enthusiastic and inspired. “Or, just all of them!”

“What?!”

“JUST DO IT!”

*

“Really Thorin… IKEA?!” Bofur moaned as Thorin stopped the van in front of the giant mall.

Dwalin stopped the other van next to them. “Are you planning us to get out of there alive?”

“Now we can find both the present for Pickle, a Christmas tree and replace all the decoration Fili and Kili ruined yesterday!” Thorin smiled proudly and got out. “So this is simple – we all know Pickle and how much she loves us and especially Bofur-“

“Thorin…” Bofur moaned, wondering if it was clever to ask Thorin for help at all.

“-so all you have to do, is to find something she likes! And I and Dwalin will be looking for a Christmas tree, if not we’ll find one the old-fashioned way-“

“Robbing gas stations?!” Fili squealed and clapped his hands.

“More old-fashioned than that!” Thorin glared at Fili. “Your mother has told us to never speak of those two years again and you know why!”

“Come on, you were always so funny when you were engaged to Captain Morgan…” Kili mumbled and rolled his eyes.

“Do I dare to remind you of your fifth Christmas?” Thorin tried to poke his eyes out.

“Hey! That is actually latent psychological violence, Thorin!” Balin shouted and crossed his arms.

“What?! I just reminded him of what I did when I got too drunk on Christmas Eve to get up Christmas morning and make the breakfast and the boys spent all day crying their eyes out to Dis and called me horrible things – it was NOT funny when Captain Morgan was my best friend!” Thorin stared at Balin with confusion and shock.

“Whatever.” Balin gave Thorin a last, sharp look.

“ANYWAYS!” Thorin sighed loudly. “Present and decorations, ok?!”

“Aye!” Gloin said and patted Dori’s shoulder. “Let’s find something wicked!”

“I’m starting to get really worried here…” Bofur whispered as the rest of the company went inside the mall.

“EY!”

Bofur turned around to see who was calling for them – it was Dwainn, Dwalin’s daughter that was sort of their tail and had followed them to the Erebor mansion, and also Thorin’s love interest, something Dwalin still struggled to accept. Considering her irritated expression that reminded way too much of her father, Bofur had a bad feeling. “Yes?” he tried to put up his best smile.

“I’m gonna kill that jerk!” Dwainn hissed and pushed a note into Bofur’s hands.

“What?” Bofur asked confusedly, and just then Ori came running as well. “What is this?!”

“Thorin have forgotten that I was sleeping beside him and obviously believed that I was out somewhere, and left this note for me!” Dwainn hissed as she entered the mall.

“WHAT?! I was in there, I didn’t see you?” Bofur corrected his hat as a woman with 5 crying children and an overfilled shopping cart almost ran him down. Little Ori did his best to follow him.

“You didn’t see me because he was partly covering me, and the quilt partly covering me!” Dwainn rolled her eyes.

“Woah – I hope I didn’t… Oh dear…” Bofur sighed – this day turned out worse than he had expected.

“And on top of it all, you forgot that Ori was down to the post office to fetch some packages!” Dwainn groaned and Ori ran up to them.

“What is this about?!” he asked, looking more confused than ever.

“Thorin said he was going to help me fix a present for Pickle. Instead he got busy with… Dwainn… before the concert, got too drunk and didn’t wake up until an hour ago, and then he called out the entire company for finding one…” Bofur sighed, ignoring Dwainn’s glare at him.

“Ok. Present!” Ori smiled and was suddenly gone.

“What have I done?!”

*

“Look at all these pillows…” Balin whispered and admired the sight. “So soft…”

“You could build a castle with these…” Oin said and looked at the wall of pillows.

“There are chairs and pillows over there…” Balin smiled wickedly.

“Let’s do it!”

*

“She’s pretty. Look at that smile.”

“Come on Fili, she’s on work, she won’t give you any phone number…” Kili rolled his eyes.

“What happened to you brother? Christmas spirit?” Fili teased and chuckled.

“No, I’m just focusing on the pres- oh hello there!” Kili suddenly turned around as a female employee walked past them, her red hair collected in a braid.

“Let’s see who’s got most phone numbers?” Fili smirked to his brother.

“Hell yeah!”

*

“This… this is perfect!” Thorin looked around in the miniature home. “It got everything!”

“Yeah, I hear that. Now, get out and help me.” Bofur rolled his eyes and turned to continue.

“No.”

“What?”

“This is mine.” Thorin said and slung his arms and legs around the tiny chimney. “I won’t leave it.”

“Oh come on, don’t be silly Thorin!” Bofur stared at him.

“No.”

“Bombur?” Bofur looked at his brother with begging eyes.

“I’ll try.” Bombur sighed and entered the door. And got stuck. “Uhm, Bofur…”

“I can’t believe this.” Bofur rolled his eyes.

“A little help maybe?” Bombur asked as Bofur walked away.

“Don’t worry, I’ll make dinner for us!” Thorin said and patted Bombur’s shoulder.

“May Mahal be with me…”

*

Meanwhile, Nori and Dori seemed to be the only ones except from Bofur that didn’t get lost in the massiveness of IKEA. They had found the electronics department and they had never seen so many fascinating and useful (or useless) thingies in their lives.

“This looks funny!” Nori smiled and picked down a Darth Vader alarm clock.

“Isn’t that a bit too boyish?” Dori asked, looking at Darth’s “face” with suspicion.

“Maybe. But she’s too old for My Little Pony!” Nori sighed and pointed at the other.

“On the other hand, she’s too fond of sleeping, so alarm clocks are a silly idea anyways.” Dori mumbled and they walked down the shelf to see if they found something else.

*

At the same time, Dwalin had finally found out where he was, after being lost for the last 45 minutes. He realized so as he discovered the meatballs – oh the lovely meatballs from IKEA, the best thing he knew, right after a cold beer on a Friday evening. There was one package left and he ran for it – he jumped – he reached out his arms – his fingers stretched for it – and then it was snapped away and he crashed onto nothing else than hard concrete floor. He looked up, seeing an old woman trotting away with a full shopping basket, with the meatballs on top it.

He got up on his legs, thinking that he had seen it first – the meatballs were rightfully his. He ran after her and snapped the bag off from the basket. He thought he had won them back when he felt something heavy hit the back of his head and he crashed to the floor, wondering what it was. When he looked up, the fat, old woman was towering over him with a look of rage. But Dwalin was not ready to give up his meatballs, not yet.

…

“Oh sweet lord, DWALIN!” Bofur gasped and ran over to the pile of limbs that looked suspiciously like Dwalin. “What happened to you?”

“The old woman won… She had pepperspray and bricks in her purse…” Dwalin whispered and looked up at Bofur with watering eyes. “I lost the meatballs, the last package!”

“Meatballs? You battled an old woman for MEATBALLS?!” Bofur rolled his eyes, but then he got it. “Dwalin! Pickle loves meatballs!”

“But they’re out!” Dwalin looked desperately at Bofur, until he heard a sound: a truck. He turned towards the source and saw a truck driving new supplies out from the storage. “Bofur, I have a plan…”

*

“Mister, you must come out!” the security guard said politely but with a strict tone through the window into “Thorin’s house”. “It is for the customers!”

“NO!” Thorin glared at the guard.

“Please come out the window, I have someone coming over already to help your friend.”

“Fine, then I can have some time alone!” Thorin said and laid down on the bed. “Please, leave.”

“THOMAS! Problem at the sleep department!” another security guard called.

“I’ll be back.” The guard sighed and looked at Thorin.

*

What had happened there, was not what neither Thorin or Bofur had expected. Or maybe Bofur. Balin and Oin had started to build a castle of pillows, which soon turned out to be useful as Dwalin first came driving with 40kg of meatballs on a truck. He dropped the meatballs there and then drove away as quickly as he could, for then returning and hiding with the meatballs. Not long after Fili and Kili came running with what seemed like furious boyfriends on their necks – their competition in collecting most phone numbers went a bit too far it seemed. Next came Nori and Dori – they had found an interesting electric thing they hadn’t figured out how it worked, pushing all the buttons they could until smoke started to well out from it and they threw it away. Then it landed in someone’s shopping basket and ruined a Gucci purse worth at least 560 dollars, and they had never expected to be running for their lives from an outraged Paris Hilton. Suddenly Ori came running – he had just robbed the chocolate area with a des  
perate hope of getting away, but a bunch of 10 kids had spotted him, and he looked like he was running for his life with a shopping basket full of chocolate.

“WHAT IS THIS?!” Balin shouted as 8 dwarves were trapped behind their massive wall of pillows.

“Security is coming!” Oin shouted from the tower they had built. “What have you done?!”

“We’ve just tried to help Bofur!” Ori cried, hiding behind his basket of chocolate.

“We need to defend ourselves!” Oin growled, immediately encouraged by Fili, Kili, Dwalin, Nori, Dori and Ori.

“We’re already in trouble!” Balin rolled his eyes.

“We have to get these meatballs out!” Dwalin roared and the rest of them encouraged them.

“Okay, let’s find weapons!” Fili shouted and lifted his fist, followed by his brother.

“Oh dear…” Balin rubbed the bridge of his nose.

*

“Thorin, what is this?!” Dwainn sighed as the security guards got Bombur safely removed from the door, but Thorin had been quickly closing it and pushed as much as the furniture as possible in front of the door.

“It’s my home!” Thorin said protectively through the window.

“Excuse me, miss, do you know this man?” the security guard asked.

“Sort of. Can I help you?” she smiled politely, but with a look so stern that the guard took one step back.

“Just get him out of there by the time we close, in three hours, ok?” he smiled and just walked away.

“There’s room for two in here…” Thorin smiled to Dwainn, daring to poke his head through the window.

“I’m not going to do it in a public place, I’m done with that shit a long time ago!” she rolled her eyes and crossed her arms across her chest.

“It’s not public, it’s my house!” Thorin winked and Dwainn facepalmed. “I even have curtains.”

“This isn’t even funny!”

“I totally enjoy this.”

“You kid.”

“I love you.”

“I know you do, brat.” Dwainn started to bang her head into the wall.

“BE CAREFUL WITH THE PAINT!” Thorin looked panicked, but it didn’t stop Dwainn.

“Oh look I have a pen…” she smiled and studied it as she picked it up from her pocket.

“Dwainn, NO!”

“SO GET OUT THORIN!”

“Okay, okay!” Thorin glared at her. “What do I get for getting out of here?”

“Oh, I think I know a nice reward…” she smirked and whispered something in his ear – something that isn’t appropriate to write in a story like this one, so you’re free to use your imagination. Thorin’s eyes widened and a wicked smirk curled on his lips as he opened the window and climbed out.

“Now good boy – I’ll reward you when we get home and has everything settled!” Dwainn kissed his cheek. “Now, where are the others…”

“Oh look! AT TIME!” Bofur sighed and put his hands to his hips. “We need you, NOW.”

“Why?” Dwainn asked, worried by Bofur’s expression.

“Because 8 of us has evacuated in a pillow castle Balin and Oin made, because Dwalin got us into trouble when fetching 40kg of meatballs at the storage after being beaten up by an old, fat woman, Fili and Kili has provoked an army of boyfriends, Ori got chased by kids for taking too much chocolate, and Nori and Dori seems to have awoken the rage of Paris Hilton by burning her purse.” Bofur said, short of breath. “Please, don’t ask how all this started…” he said as he saw the shocked expressions of Thorin and Dwainn. “And I can’t find Bifur or Gloin, and Bombur has hid in our van and has called for the assistance of Gandalf and Bilbo…”

“We were just supposed to find a present!” Thorin whispered, shocked by the news from Bofur.

“I have found a chocolate machine thing she can use for melting chocolate into funny figures, they had turtles, so…” Bofur whispered. “And if we can get the meatballs out and the chocolate, she can have some of that as well…”

“Okay, present is fixed. We just need to save our companions!” Thorin said, suddenly sounding heroic again and being the old self.

“Congratulations. You’re back.” Dwainn said to him, with a small yet sweet smile.

“I love you. Have I said that today?” Thorin smiled and laid an arm around her shoulder.

“5 times already!” she shook her head. “Now, let’s save dad before he’ll have to use his breakout skills from jail again.”

“Or before Nori, Fili and Kili calls for the other Angels…” Bofur said low, not sharing the same enthusiasm.

“Hells Angels are the best soldiers you can get, you know that?” Thorin said as they headed in the same direction as all the security guards.

*

“We’re losing the battle!” Dori cried. “We’re out of lego!”

“Take the meatballs!” Oin called and pulled back the home-made catapult.

“NO! NOT THE MEATBALLS!” Dwalin roared and tossed himself onto the box filled with all the bags of meatballs.

“Do you want to die?!”

“I’d rather die than see the meatballs in the hands of the security guards!” Dwalin declared. “They’re MINE! …and Pickles…”

“STOP THIS!” they heard someone call from outside the gates.

“Do you know them?” one of the guards said and the beleaguered dwarves dared to poke their heads over the wall to see – what they saw, gave them hope.

Thorin had gotten out of his little home, and stood there with Bofur and Dwainn, and to their joy, Bilbo and Gandalf had shown up. “We do.” Gandalf said and put up an apologetic smile. “You see, we come from the psychiatric service, Bofur here works with us, so does Dwainn and Bilbo. He was going here with Thorin, you see-“ at this point Thorin glared at Gandalf for a second before Bofur knocked him hard with his elbow. “and what we didn’t know, was that Thorin had invited some of his friends to come with, and some of them are our patients as well, the rest comes from a very… challenging subculture…” Gandalf looked at Dwainn and Bilbo, while Bofur pretended to keep an eye on Thorin. “It got a bit out of our hands, so Bofur did as he should and called for aid, and here we are!”

“So, what about the mess they made?” one of the guards asked.

“We’ll fix that tomorrow, just contact our office and we’ll make a deal about how to fix this mess and pay for the wares they want. Just let us bring our friends here home!” Bilbo smiled and then looked up to the others. “You can come out now!”

“If you would be so kind, please pull back a little.” Dwainn said politely to the security guards. “It’s a bit scary, you know.”

“Of course, miss.” The guard said and the rest of the security guard pulled back or returned to their other activities.

*

“Now that was close…” Balin said as he and Dwalin quickly hid the meatballs in one of the vans.

“One thing is for sure, and I’ll never go to IKEA with you again…” Bofur mumbled. “Psychiatric institution, seriously, Gandalf?!”

“Just to blame something for your behaviour!” Gandalf stared at the dwarves with a strict glare. “What have you been drinking? Or smoking?!”

“I only drink beer and Glenlivet, Gandalf, you know that!” Thorin said to his defense.

“I’m done with smoking socks…” Nori said and looked at Gandalf with innocent eyes. “More money on selling it, you know…”

“Dear lords, what is it with you?!” Gandalf moaned.

“I just fancied her…” Fili said to his defence. “I didn’t know she had a boyfriend… And on top of it all, we got NO phone numbers…”

“Maybe the pram with the baby in it should have given you a clue?” Kili crossed his arms across his chest. “I just went for those without prams!”

“Hey, there are many single mothers these days! Beside, we never had a father!” Fili tried to highlight his point.

“Maybe because we have different fathers, my dear brother…” Kili chuckled.

“The reason I had to raise you two, lads…” Thorin grumbled. “I hope you won’t be same arses as your fathers were.”

“I swear, if I ever get a girlfriend, I will not say I’m a married man from Dutchland and flee away!” Fili said with a proud face. “I’d love to buy my kids Christmas presents!”

“Just don’t do the same silly mistake as your uncle here and bring with a battalion to find ONE single present!” Gandalf shushed them into the vans.

“We’re missing two…” Bofur said after counting them over. “Where’s Bifur and Gloin?”

In the next moment Bifur showed up, with a proud smile. He then gave Fili and Kili 43 notes. “What’s these?” Kili asked confused.

“They’re… PHONE NUMBERS?!” Fili stared at the notes in shock. “HOW THE HELL?!”

Then Bifur gestured that he just smiled and winked to them, for them giving them a gentle kiss on their hands, and they were so charmed by the lack of words, but the gentle gestures, that they gave him their phone numbers.

“THIS IS SO UNFAIR!” Kili cried out loud.

“There’s Gloin!” Ori smiled and pointed at the entrance.

Gloin came running towards them and jumped into the van! “I’m so terribly sorry! My stomach goes nuts when I’m stressed!” he wiped sweat of from his forehead. “Now, did you find something for Pickle? Did I miss anything?”

Bofur just buried his face in his hands and cried.

*

“Sure this is the right house?” Balin asked as they parked the vans in front of a house.

“I’m sure, I’ve been here before.” Bofur smiled and got up from his seat.

“Oh Bofur…” Dwainn chuckled from her seat.

“That is the right arse farting…” Bofur mumbled and jumped out. “And Dwalin, you ought to help me with the meatballs!”

“It’s just 20kg!”

“Oh, so you have 20kg for yourself, aye?”

“Yes!” Dwalin chuckled and followed him out.

“Well, at least we got it done in time…” Bofur said and walked up to the door and rang the bell.

It didn’t take too long before Pickle was standing in the door. “Oh, Bofur!” she smiled as she saw him. “I was about to call you, I got a little present you see!” she smiled and picked up something for him. “It’s not much, but I’ll hope you’ll like it.”

“Wow, that’s kind of you!” he smiled, not expecting anything from her, since she was a student and with less money than him. Well, he was still a student himself, but at least he got helped by his brother and the rest of the Company at the Erebor Mansion. “I got something for you too!”

“Really?” she smiled and leant against the door frame.

“Well, it’s this little thing from me here, with some good help from Ori, he deserves credits.” Bofur said and handed her the gift, where the chocolate machine and chocolate was hidden. “And then it’s this… I don’t mean to ruin the surprise, but if you were to hide this under your Christmas tree, there would be a few practical problems.” He said and opened the door a bit more, showing her the giant box with 20kg of meatballs, decorated with a big, red, silken tie, since none of the company managed to wrap it in.

“WHAT THE-“ Pickle gasped in shock and surprise before she started to laugh.

“It’s a LONG story, I can explain it to you in details if you come over one day. We decided that you could get it as it is, but Dwalin insisted on the tie, since he’s the one to thank for this. You see, the problems we saw were A: how to fit it under the tree, B: they wouldn’t survive whole day without cooling.” Bofur said and smiled a little.

“But it is my favourite meatballs, thank you!” she squealed and hugged all of them in turn. As she did so, she studied the box before she turned to Bofur. “Why do I have a feeling that you and your Company here has been to IKEA?” Pickle smiled.

“I have no idea… You get the story another day!” Bofur laughed and she gave him a giant hug.

“I’ll come over at Christmas day, okay?” she said and kissed his cheek.

“Deal!” Bofur smiled, for then getting a kiss on his lips.

“Merry Christmas, Bofur!” she smiled and waved good bye to him.

“Merry Christmas, Pickle…!” he stuttered, with blushing cheeks, frozen to the ground and just looked at the now closed door.

“Ey, Bofur, Bombur is hungry! More kisses on Christmas day!”

**Author's Note:**

> And thanks a lot to my friend for coming with the idea of the dwarves going to IKEA. This would have never been this epic wihtout your brilliant ideas! <3
> 
> Feel free to leave comments and kudos, they make me very happy :D any feedbacks do!


End file.
